Spring Fever

I wake up to the sound of bluebirds, twittering outside my window.

Sunlight streams softly through my blinds.

With a large stretch and an even larger yawn, I climb out of bed to greet the day.

"Good morning world here I c-"

I stop.  "Oh dear God..."

There's jizz everywhere.

Now, before everyone jumps to conclusions let's get one thing straight: I'm talking about pollen, because yes, it's that wonderful time of year.  As the winter thaw commences (or in Texas, the temperature rises above 80 degrees) Earth experiences a new beginning through a season called spring.  Spring is pretty awesome actually...sans pollen that is.  (Give me anything but the pollen, I BEG YOU)  No matter how many Zyrtecs, Claritins, or Benadryls I choke down in the morning, the valves controlling the pressure in my sinus cavity go haywire 100 percent of the time.  The little spores coat everything, and I mean everything.  And of course the trees decide to get their freak on AFTER I've spent a good chunk of my day washing and waxing the damn car.  I mean, who knew the expression "love is in the air" could be taken literally?  But with all of these plants running around and fornicating like animals - pardon the expression - we're essentially breathing in their love juices!

Gross.

We met again...Little yellow agents of Satan...

Anyway, my point is the whole idea of spring kind of sucks for me because of the allergies.  It's so bad that when I walk around with puffy red eyes and snot streaming out of my nose people think I'm just really really really sad.  Most people understand when I tell them "I harve arregies. *sniff*"  However sometimes I'm just really tempted to say something like "My favorite endangered species, the Abor Bug-Eyed Frog has just become extinct.  I can't quell the emotional tidal wave flowing through my body right now."  That way, I don't sound like a total wuss.  Either way allergies suck.

Spring is still kind of nice though, even if it is just foreshadowing the crushing, stifling, God-awful heatwaves that are a mere month away.

With that being said, I need a cool drink.  And an antihistamine cocktail.

Cam

Vampires, Presidents, and Deadly Sausages

Our nation's beloved Abe Lincoln participated in many noble activities such as (but not limited to): freeing slaves, managing the civil war, being honest, and...slaying the undead?  That's right boys and girls, history books have left out a few details regarding Abe's life - according to Seth Grahame-Smith that is.  G.S. is most well known for the best selling Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, his own retelling of Jane Austen's classic love story that turns a polite 19th century comedy into a heart pumping action thrill ride that radiates kickassery.  It now looks like U.S. History will be getting the same facelift with his new novel, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter.  I honestly don't know much about the book right now, except that there's a 99 percent chance it'll be incredibly awesome.  I have the official "trailer" below if you're interested.

But now onto a more serious note.  The American Academy of Pediatrics is taking up arms against hot dogs this week.  Apparently, the logs of oh-so-delicious mystery meat have proven to be a serious choking hazard to all children under the age of 14.  Hot dogs are "the perfect plug for a child's airway" says Gary Smith, pediatric emergency doctor and author of a statement published online in Pediatrics.  [I just want to say as a side note, THAT IS THE CREEPIEST DESCRIPTION OF A HOT DOG I HAVE EVER HEARD GARY SMITH]  First of all, a small child can choke on anything, so I'm not sure why people are suddenly freaking out and pointing fingers at hot dogs.  Secondly, how is this even an issue?  Maybe if parents tried teaching their kids to take small bites instead of shoving a whole foot long down their throats, we wouldn't be having this discussion right now...I'm gonna have to stop right there.  Something about kids devouring foot longs is making me feel uncomfortable.

But hey, if wieners are going to be considered dangerous, I figure that other foods should get the same treatment.  Here are my "Top 5 Foods That Need Warning Labels Because Some People Lack Common Sense."

1) Doritos - Sharp edges may lead to unintentional stabbing.

2) Fruit Rollups - May cause suffocation if covering face.

3) Butter - When spread on floor, may cause slipping which may cause falling.

4) Frosted Flakes - If mixed with milk in a large enough bowl, may cause drowning.

5) Chocolate Chip Cookies - May contain nuts.  May also contain armed explosives.

P.S. - Spring Break is next week.  Woohooooo!

<3 Cam