Vampires, Presidents, and Deadly Sausages

Our nation's beloved Abe Lincoln participated in many noble activities such as (but not limited to): freeing slaves, managing the civil war, being honest, and...slaying the undead?  That's right boys and girls, history books have left out a few details regarding Abe's life - according to Seth Grahame-Smith that is.  G.S. is most well known for the best selling Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, his own retelling of Jane Austen's classic love story that turns a polite 19th century comedy into a heart pumping action thrill ride that radiates kickassery.  It now looks like U.S. History will be getting the same facelift with his new novel, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter.  I honestly don't know much about the book right now, except that there's a 99 percent chance it'll be incredibly awesome.  I have the official "trailer" below if you're interested.

But now onto a more serious note.  The American Academy of Pediatrics is taking up arms against hot dogs this week.  Apparently, the logs of oh-so-delicious mystery meat have proven to be a serious choking hazard to all children under the age of 14.  Hot dogs are "the perfect plug for a child's airway" says Gary Smith, pediatric emergency doctor and author of a statement published online in Pediatrics.  [I just want to say as a side note, THAT IS THE CREEPIEST DESCRIPTION OF A HOT DOG I HAVE EVER HEARD GARY SMITH]  First of all, a small child can choke on anything, so I'm not sure why people are suddenly freaking out and pointing fingers at hot dogs.  Secondly, how is this even an issue?  Maybe if parents tried teaching their kids to take small bites instead of shoving a whole foot long down their throats, we wouldn't be having this discussion right now...I'm gonna have to stop right there.  Something about kids devouring foot longs is making me feel uncomfortable.

But hey, if wieners are going to be considered dangerous, I figure that other foods should get the same treatment.  Here are my "Top 5 Foods That Need Warning Labels Because Some People Lack Common Sense."

1) Doritos - Sharp edges may lead to unintentional stabbing.

2) Fruit Rollups - May cause suffocation if covering face.

3) Butter - When spread on floor, may cause slipping which may cause falling.

4) Frosted Flakes - If mixed with milk in a large enough bowl, may cause drowning.

5) Chocolate Chip Cookies - May contain nuts.  May also contain armed explosives.

P.S. - Spring Break is next week.  Woohooooo!

<3 Cam