Testing, Testing, 1 2 3

There isn't a snarky remark to open this blog post.  I just freaking hate tests.

I REALLY DON'T LIKE TESTS.

Like a lot.

What I'm trying to get across is I don't enjoy them in the least.

If you're wondering about my disdain for objective examination, know that I relish free time, especially when it doesn't involve test preparation.  After all, I go to school 7 hours a day...do I really need to stuff in even more while I'm at home?  I'm normally not a complainer about this sort of thing, but since it's national AP testing for the next two weeks, I figured I'd express some of my emotions toward the subject.

Did I mention testing isn't on my list of things I like to do?

Anyway, after examining the study habits of myself as well as my peers, I have compiled a list of how people handle tests, or studying in general.  Chances are you'll fall into at least one of these categories or perhaps somewhere in between them.

Obsessive, Compulsive, and Kind of Scary

This test taker takes education very VERY seriously.  To them, a grade isn't just a letter or a number...it's a way of life.  There's a party this Friday night?  Too freaking bad, because there's an anatomy test over the bones of the foot in a week and a half, and they have to start studying RIGHT NOW.  You just found out you've contracted ebola and have a week to live?  That's nice but this tester needed the notes from yesterday's government class before you started telling your stupid sob story.  This person eats, sleeps, and breathes scantrons and number two pencils.  In fact, many only know the first five letters of the alphabet after dedicating themselves so heavily to multiple choice sections of exams.  These people take their own social lives and strangle them to death in an effort to reach that perfect score.  Don't stand in the way of their goals for world domin - I mean good grades...they just might have to kill you.

"Get.  Out."

Time-Killer

Most widely known as the procrastinator, this person relies on a made up belief that they can somehow alter the fundamental laws of nature.  They truly believe they can control time.  Let's give this person a deadline to make a peanut butter sandwich (say 5:00).  The procrastinator's thought process would go like this:

4:00

"All right...Sandwich time!  I could go for some potato salad right about now..."

4:10

"This is a really funny episode of Golden Girls."

4:20

"I think I'll take a nap."

4:59

"Wasn't I supposed to do something by five..."

4:59:99

"OH GOD SANDWICH"

As you can see, this person is like the guy who defuses the bomb at the very last second in all those cool spy movies.  Unlike in the movies however, the procrastinator will probably somehow screw things up because they waited until the last second to have the epiphany that would probably go a little something like this: "WOOPS I really don't know what I'm doing...someone should probably call in an expert," but in reality its too late because the bomb has already exploded and everyone you've ever known and loved is dead because you chose to procrastinate.  Congratulations procastinator.  I hope you're happy.

Stuff really piles up for these people.

Nervous Nelly
These kids are characterized by their strange ticks come test time.  They're often seen (from afar of course) muttering quickly and quietly to themselves, frantically poring over notes, and overall looking like sketchy characters.  During an actual test they'll often let out some really disconcerting moans of displeasure in response to the questions.  They also habitually tap their pencil so fast while thinking, one would swear a motorboat was starting up nearby.  These people get so nervous, they almost always screw up the bubbling of answers and have to start over, which makes their neurotic tendencies even more pronounced and obnoxious.  After they've answered every question (or in some cases left every question blank) this test taker will just sit there, staring...hoping that at the end of the day it really is JUST a test and that when they return home, their parents won't will might still love them.

Jeez, chill out girl.  This is a library.  Everyone knows
you're supposed to be quiet in a library.

Anyway, those are my thoughts for the day.  I'm surprised I have any left with all of these AP tests going on...Sorry I haven't posted in so long!

Laterrrrrrr

Cam

Pants Should Cover Your Buttocks

Move over Larry Platt, a new pant protector is in town, and he means BUSINESS.  This time, New York Senator (and NYPD captain) Eric Adams is out to crack down on well...crack.  Will he be able to successfully pull people's waistbands up from their deepest, darkest depths?

HOW CAN THEY EVEN WALK?

OK that's enough with the awesome terrible saggy pants jokes.

Seriously though, Adams recently started an ad campaign to fight the epidemic of low riding jeans that has swept our nation.  He set up six enormous billboards in Brooklyn at the first of the month to raise awareness about the..."dangers"...of such a horrendous fashion statement.  The signs show male models with their pants clinging on for dear life at the lowest elevation possible, which in turn leads to exposed knickers.  Such graphic images are displayed next to deep, truly insightful statements such as: "Stop the sag!" and "We are better than this!"

Photo by Kristopher Radder
Oh Lordy!  Shield your children's' eyes!

First, when did someone decide that promoting a public dress code was worthy of political capital in the first place?  Second, before we throw money into such a matter, shouldn't we try and clean up in more important areas first?  From what I understand, Adams funded the project using campaign funds.  However, I don't see how this would attract voters as a successful campaign strategy - it might even get him capped if he sets foot inside the wrong neighborhood.

Taking the title "fashion police" to a whole new level.

Adams' argument is that since the fashion originated in prisons across the US during the 1990's, young people are essentially emulating convicts; naturally we would want to avoid this.  Still, they're freaking pants.  PANTS PEOPLE.  If you don't wear them properly it just looks like you never learned how to dress yourself like a normal human being, and that my friends is punishment enough if you ask me.

Cam

Signing Off From a Small Town

I'm writing this from a quaint little motel (the Stagecoach Inn), which happens to be barely beating smack dab in the middle of East Texas; more specifficaly, the little town of Woodville.  What business would I have way out here you ask?  I am here for the 67th annual Dogwood Festival, a wonderful smalltown celebration of spring's enterance and winter's exit.  The whole thing is surprisingly pagan sounding - which is strange for a bible thumping small town like Woodville.  Anyway, part of the "dogwood experience" involves my twin sister coming to the festival as a "visiting dutchess" which means she has to attend a Jean Fling and a Kingsman Ball, as well as riding in the local parade and participating in a beauty pageant.  Now, if you know my sister, you may be wondering how on earth we convinced her to enter a freaking pageant.  Our answer?  She agreed to it.

The REAL answer?  Stange family traditions I will never even begin to understand forced her to comply. 

I could be hear all night explaining some of the strange things I've experienced during my stay in Woodville, but for the sake of time I'll keep things short.  Besides finding out that my mom and my sister don't work well together under stress, (there was a lot of screaming and flinging of dresses) I learned that people in Woodville have far less teeth than normal people.  I've yet to determine if this is due to inbreeding or if people here are facing a toothbrush shortage.  Another thing I've noticed is that people here looooooooooove to wear cowboy boots and chaps...even if they aren't riding horses.  It's as if Mr. Cowboy from The Village People started a cult and recruited every male in town.  I half expected people to start chanting "one of us...one of us" as I walked down main street.  Speaking of main street, there isn't a whole lot to do around here.  However, one form of entertainment comes through...EATING.  Holy hyperbola, I have never eaten so much good stuff in such a short period of time.  From chocolate pies and fresh squeezed lemonade to four pound Texas burgers and deep fried shrimp, my stomach has died and gone to heaven again and again.  Seriously...everything tastes better on a stick, including but not limited to: shrimp, oysters, sausages, potatoes, boudin, pickles, chicken wings, and pork.

I ingested like three of these.

At the end of the day though, after everything has all started to come to a close...I'm glad it went down.  We ended up having some fun as a family, which seems hard to come by these days.  I just never would have expected to find it at a beauty pageant in the middle of a social wasteland.  Let me know what strange family traditions you really don't mind putting up with.

Happy Easter!
<3 Cam