Going Up

We've all experienced it.  For some people it may have been uncomfortable.  Some may have found it quite pleasant.  Most find it forgettable.  What is "it"?  An elevator ride of course!  The reason for this post (after my recent dry spell which I apologize for friends) is to discuss rides up and/or down in those metal hellholes humans invented after stairs went out of style.  I live on the 18th floor of my building, so I thought I could share some of my personal elevator stories with you dear readers.

Where Do You Think You're Going?
After a long Friday night of...studying...(Hi mom) I enter my building and head to the elevator.  The doors open and I step in, hitting 18.  A deep sigh reminds me of just how tired I really am, the sweet siren song of my Tempur-Pedic pillow within 18 stories of vertical distance.  Just as the doors are about to close, a hand bedazzled with rings that clearly came from the dollar store intrudes into my private little box.  The hand is soon joined by its body - a sad sight for my current sleepy state.  It was a sorority girl coming home from a party, the dress requirements of which appeared to be a cross between Hannah Montana teeny-bopper and KE$HA white trash.  The only thing more annoying than her general presence was the smacking of her gum and the way she talked to the poor soul on the other end of her Blackberry.

This is a good reference pic.

"HEY *SMACK* HEY *SMACK* LAUGH OUT LOUD!  GIRL HOLD ON OKAY?  *smack*  OKAY?  OH EM JEE SHUT UP? *smack* NO I'M IN THE ELEVATOR.  *smack* NO NOBODY'S IN HERE BITCH!  HAHAHAHA  *snort/laugh*  HOLD ON GIRL HOLD UP."  She then turns to me and asks "HEY MAN IS THIS GOING UP OR DOWN?"  Keep in mind we were clearly on the ground floor of the building...The elevator even says: "Floor one, going up!" every time the door opens.  Despite it being such a late hour, my sense of humor remained intact.  Plus I felt like being a smart-aleck.  My ensuing response was, "Sorry but this one's going down...to hell!" 

Let's just say she didn't get the joke.

Room For One More
I was heading out for the evening from my 18th floor nest.  The elevator came and I was greeted by a lift PACKED with people.  My immediate hesitation must have been evident as the lift's occupants all shouted "Hey man, you can fit come on!  We'll just squeeze a little tighter!"  I begrudgingly accepted their invitation.  As soon as the doors closed I regretted the stupidity of the situation.

Nooooo!

Every time I exhaled it was as if I were getting to second base with the 8 people surrounding me.  Yes, it was that packed; you could say I envied sardines.  Then someone exclaimed: "Guys guys guys...Everybody jump on the count of three!"  Fortunately a girl that was hyperventilating in the back corner suggested that this may not be the best course of action.  Unfortunately no one cared about what the stupid girl with the brown bag said.  "One..."  My life begins to flash before my eyes.  "Two..."  I think I see the light at the end of the tunnel blooming in the distance.  "Three!"  I close my eyes and fresh air surrounds me.  Oh God, have I really died surrounded by idiots?  That's when I realize the clean air of heaven is actually the AC coming through the elevator doors open on the first floor.  People quickly file out of the elevator with looks of disappointment on their faces, sad to have missed out on the thrill of potentially plummeting to their deaths.  I merely make a note to myself:

"There isn't always room for one more after all."

The Four Loko Factor
Before I can start this story, I need to give a quick lesson on Four Loko for those who are lucky enough not to know about it.  Four Loko is an excruciatingly disgusting beverage - half malt liquor and half energy drink.  It's as if a frat boy thought "Huh, I wonder what would happen if I took the depressive effects of cheap alcohol and combined them with a disgusting stimulant such as those found in cheap sugary energy drinks."  Whereas a frat boy may not have followed through with such an idea, Phusion Projects Incorporated did.  Four Loko is now banned in several areas across the United States, as college campuses from coast to coast were experiencing alarming increases in hospitalization due to alcohol related incidences connected to the beverage.

Now that you know what it is, on with the show!  It was a dark and stormy night when the following events transpired and well past the witching hour.  Actually the weather was kind of nice, but since this took place on Halloween I thought I could set the scene nicely.  I was returning from a midnight snack of pumpkin pancakes at a 24/7 café down the street.  I'm waiting for the elevator when in comes two guys.  It's safe to say they were coming from a nearby Halloween party, as one was dressed as a banana, and the other a gorilla.  (Not very original, but I'll give them an A for effort)  Both were clutching cans of Four Loko.  As we waited they asked me to be their timekeeper.  I didn't really know what they were talking about, but I absentmindedly agreed.  As soon as I started counting aloud, they popped the tops to their cans and CHUGGED.  Now let me tell you - Four Loko cans are big.  And potent.  And should not be chugged in 6 seconds like these guys did.  After high fives and chest bumps are exchanged we step into the elevator  At floor 12, banana suddenly gets silent.  At floor 13, he pokes his head into his suit.  At floor 14, he vomits...a lot.  At floor 17, the vomit starts leaking out of his suit creating a sickening pool of blue raspberry flavored puke that smells an awful lot like death.  Thankfully I escaped in time to here his gorilla buddy following suit.  I didn't need to see what the green apple flavor looked like on its second trip through his esophagus.

And that's how I got to see two guys dressed up as a banana and a gorilla throw up rainbows.


In other news, thanks for reading this...And sorry for posting at such an inexcusable rate.  I've been busy doing stupid stuff like being responsible and growing up.  My apologies dear readers.

<3 Cam